Last night was one of the best times I had with Trinity…Rachel & I went up to see her and when we walked in, she was watching TV…So cute…I looked at her with a big excited smile, she looked back at me just as excited…It was so sweet…Then, it almost seemed like she remembered she wasn’t in Kansas anymore, and her bottom lip started to quiver…But, she didn’t seem to fully cry…I kept up with baby talking and that seemed to help…I got her in my arms and it was all over…Smiles, laughing, sweetness…I was in awe…It was the first time in over a month that she seems like my little Lovely again…It was such a wonderful moment for me…Especially to have Rachel & Raegan there…Trinity has never met Raegan, so it was sweet because Trinity was staring at her…BFF’s at first sight…LOL!
Well anyway, I wanted to share a story I had mentioned in my last blog post about one of the lessons the LORD showed me through many trials in this fostering process…Here it goes:
Last Wednesday was especially exciting for me because Trinity turned 4 months that day and I was going to be able to hold Trinity for the 1st time…So I thought…I had prepared the nurses, after speaking to the Dr. a few days before that I wanted to hold Trinity…Wires or no wires I was determined….
I was practically skipping down the hallway with her balloon, and as I was coming up to her door there in Trinity’s room is her birth mom…Crap! Immediately, my joy was shot down….Birth mom was sitting in a chair on one side of the crib and she says, “I get to hold her today”…I’m thinking, really? What about me? I’ve been here every day waiting to hold her…But, of course, I didn’t say a word because really I may not like her or her ways, but I do love her, in CHRIST…I stepped back texted some friends to pray for me because I was annoyed!!! I didn’t get to hold her…Her birth mom held her for only 5 minutes, and then some doctor’s came in to work on her…
It was not a fun time…I usually don’t stay for very long when her birth mom is there because I know she doesn’t like me there…I still love on Trinity, spend time with her, and practically lay on the bed as much as I can to be near her...The birth mom is never mean to me, it’s just uncomfortable…
So, as I left the hospital annoyed and stamping my feet and pouting, I get in the elevator…Some people were in there and of course I talked to them…I’m walking in the parking lot thinking about how I didn’t hold Trinity and an adorable young girl with blonde hair says, “Excuse me, did you say you were a foster mom?” (She probably heard me in the elevator talking)…
ME: “Yes, I am”…I’ll probably get my heart ripped out with this little one I’m caring for, but hey whatever…
SANDRA: “Oh, that’s cool…I’ve been in the foster care system since I was 3 yrs old.. I’m 22 now…
ME: “Oh wow, how was it?”
SANDRA: “Terrible, I was supposed to be adopted 3 different times and when it came down to finalize it everyone turned away…They thought I was a problem…My brother got adopted out and he’s rich now and thinks I’m trash…So I never got adopted out…I was known as the problem child in foster care…Maybe I was…I actually moved out here from Florida to meet my real mom and dad, but, well, they’re still the same as when I was taken away at 3…I’m doing good though, I have my own place and I have a job…
ME: (At this time, I’m holding my tears back) “Wow Sandra, I wish I would have adopted you your adorable…Do you know JESUS? Because HIS Love never fails and HE loves you SO much…
SANDRA: “Yes, I know JESUS”
ME: “Awesome, I’m so happy to hear that…Whatta doin here in the hospital anyway?”
SANDRA: “OH, just taking care of my little girl…She’s the only family I’ve ever had…She has cancer…Terminal brain cancer and has 2 years to live…There is no cure…We came to the hospital because when she get sick she needs to be here to survive…
ME: (I’m about to throw up on her) “Oh, gosh, my gosh, Sandra I am so sorry…Please, please pray over your sweet baby, cling to JESUS Sandra, HE loves her more than you do, if HE wants HE can heal her.”
I just continued to minister to her and share some of my experiences with the LORD as best as I knew how, with that pit in my stomach for her and trying not to bust up crying right there…I hugged her and told her I’m going to be praying for her and her 3 yr old Ella…I gave her my number and said to call me if she needed anything… She has no one…No family, no friends…I got in my car and pretty much begged the LORD in tears for HIM to heal little Ella…”LORD, LORD she is all she has, please, heal Ella for Sandra”. I couldn’t drive away I was so choked up…I’m choking up now thinking about Sandra and how lonely her life has been…I only can pray that she will cling to JESUS, the GOD who will never leave her…I’m sure people that don’t know JESUS would think, “Come on, why not heal her daughter”…Funny thing, as sad as it all is and heart breaking….I still honor and trust my GOD!!! HE is all Knowing, HE is Sovereign, HE is Mercy, HE is Grace, HE is LOVE!!!!
I think about Sandra everyday now…And I think about my situation and my life compared to what she is going through, and I weep thinking how selfish I am to get annoyed at my situation with the trials of fostering …I think about my family and how heartbroken we are when the babies leave, how we get mistreated and our feelings trampled on and I think, this is just wrong…But, really it’s not…And the LORD showed me through Sandra it’s not…If we have to be treated as the lowest of lows for CHRIST sake, then so be it… JESUS was mistreated, trampled, beaten, shamed, whipped, spit on, kicked, stripped, and humiliated… Never will we ever feel or go through what HE did…But, if we are wronged in this world, or mistreated, then so be it…My friend Ann once said, “If I perish, I perish…I'm with you my friend, if we perish, we perish…May HIS name be lifted on high and glorified in all that we do who believe and trust in HIM...
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety....Psalm 18:2
